Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
