FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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