k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
They should really pass out barf bags in church
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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