I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
