I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
