If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
