i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
