Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
