where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
