I met the friendliest cop last night
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
