hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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