Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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