so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
