I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
