I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
