Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
