he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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