her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
