I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Dignity is for republicans.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We have started to decorate penises.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
