Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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