I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize