just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
