mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
