im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize