This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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