When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
