I just pynch a tree in the face
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
