just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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