seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
