dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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