The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
