Your face is a jimmy john
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
