My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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