meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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