I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I need help removing her.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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