i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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