Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
