no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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