I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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