i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
