The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
