Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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