I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
