Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
