I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize