i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
