Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
