my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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