last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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