You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
