I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
