I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
