White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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