So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
