Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
