before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
