So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
