Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
