I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
