My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
