I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
